Attachment Styles in Relationships: Are You Secure, Anxious, or Avoidant?

Why Do You Act the Way You Do in Relationships?

Ever wondered why you crave constant reassurance from your partner, while your friend seems perfectly fine with emotional distance? Or why you keep pushing people away—even when you like them?

Welcome to attachment theory, one of the most well-researched psychological frameworks explaining why we behave the way we do in relationships. Developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory suggests that the way we connected with our caregivers as children influences how we bond with romantic partners as adults.

Let’s dive into the three main attachment styles—Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant—so you can identify your own patterns and (if needed) start breaking unhealthy cycles.

The Three Main Attachment Styles

1. Secure Attachment: The Relationship Gold Standard

• Comfortable with intimacy

• Trusting and open in relationships

• Able to express needs without fear

• Can handle conflict without feeling abandoned

  
  

If you have a secure attachment, congratulations! You likely had caregivers who were responsive to your needs, and as a result, you feel safe forming deep emotional connections. You’re able to love without overwhelming anxiety and handle conflict without fearing the worst.

How it plays out in relationships:

• You communicate openly.

• You trust your partner and don’t feel the need to play games.

• You can be independent and emotionally connected without feeling smothered.

  
  

2. Anxious Attachment: The "Clingy" Partner

• Constant fear of abandonment

• Needs frequent reassurance

• Overthinks and catastrophizes conflicts

• Can become overly dependent on a partner

  
  

If you have an anxious attachment, relationships can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. You crave closeness but often fear your partner will leave, leading to clinginess, overthinking, or people-pleasing behaviors.

Why does this happen?

You may have had inconsistent caregivers—sometimes attentive, sometimes distant. This unpredictability made you hyper-aware of your relationships, always scanning for signs of rejection.

How it plays out in relationships:

• You overanalyze texts and feel anxious when your partner doesn’t reply quickly.

• You might suppress your needs to avoid pushing your partner away.

• You seek constant reassurance but still doubt their love.

How to break the pattern:

• Self-soothe before seeking reassurance.

• Work on building self-worth outside of relationships.

• Communicate your needs calmly rather than through emotional outbursts.

  
  

3. Avoidant Attachment: The Emotionally Distant One

• Struggles with vulnerability

• Keeps an emotional guard up

• Values independence over connection

• Feels overwhelmed by too much closeness

  
  

If you have an avoidant attachment, you might seem cool and confident on the outside—but deep down, relationships make you uncomfortable. You may avoid deep emotional intimacy, pull away when things get serious, or shut down when a partner asks for more closeness.

Why does this happen?

You may have had caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or discouraged dependency. As a result, you learned to self-soothe and rely only on yourself, viewing emotional needs as a sign of weakness.

How it plays out in relationships:

• You struggle with deep emotional conversations.

• You feel “trapped” when a partner wants too much closeness.

• You shut down or withdraw instead of dealing with conflict.

  
  

How to break the pattern:

• Recognize that needing others doesn’t make you weak.

• Practice opening up, even when it feels uncomfortable.

• Remind yourself that intimacy isn’t the same as losing independence.

  
  

Can You Change Your Attachment Style?

Yes! While your attachment style is shaped by early experiences, it’s not set in stone. Dr. Sue Johnson, a clinical psychologist specializing in attachment-based therapy, emphasizes that secure relationships can help anxious or avoidant individuals move toward a healthier attachment style.

Steps to Develop a More Secure Attachment:

• Self-awareness – Identify your patterns and triggers.

• Healthy relationships – Surround yourself with secure, supportive people.

• Therapy & self-work – Practices like emotionally focused therapy (EFT) can help reshape attachment patterns.

• Better communication – Express needs clearly rather than through fear or avoidance.

  
  

Final Thoughts

Your attachment style isn’t a life sentence—it’s a starting point. By understanding how you connect (or struggle to connect) in relationships, you can start making small but meaningful changes toward deeper, more fulfilling love. So, what’s your attachment style? And more importantly, how do you want to grow from here?