How to Truly Help: Why Feelings and Actions Matter More Than Facts

1. Understanding the Issue

Imagine this scenario: your friend, partner, or child is in a difficult situation—emotionally overwhelmed, stressed, or facing a tough challenge. What’s your first instinct? Many of us default to offering logic, advice, or pointing out the missteps that led to the problem. While these “facts” may be true, they’re often not what the person needs in that moment.

Consider this analogy: your partner is drowning in a pool. Instead of reaching out your hand to help them, you start saying things like, “I told you not to get in the pool,” “You can’t even swim!” or “The lifeguard left an hour ago—what were you thinking?”

While these statements might be factually accurate, they’re not helpful. Your partner is still drowning, and your words won’t save them.

2. Why It Happens

When we see someone struggling, it’s natural to want to fix the problem. Sometimes, offering facts or logic feels like the most direct way to do so. But here’s why it often backfires:

• The Brain in Crisis: When someone is overwhelmed, their emotional brain (amygdala) is in overdrive. Facts and logic won’t register because their survival instincts are taking priority.

• Unintentional Blame: Statements like “Why did you do that?” or “You should’ve known better” can feel like criticism, even if they’re meant to help.

• Emotional Distance: Jumping to facts or solutions can make the other person feel unheard or unsupported, creating a barrier instead of connection.

  
  

3. Why It’s Okay

This tendency to focus on facts doesn’t make you a bad partner, friend, or parent—it just means you’re human. The good news? You can shift your approach to provide the support they truly need.

The key is recognizing that feelings come first. Before diving into problem-solving, focus on being emotionally present and offering actions that show your care and support.

4. Action Plan: Helping with Feelings and Actions

• Reach Out a Hand (Literally or Figuratively): Just like pulling someone out of a pool, your first step should be to show that you’re there for them.Try This: Say, “I’m here for you,” or simply offer a hug or a comforting touch.

• Validate Their Feelings: Acknowledge their emotions without judgment. This helps them feel seen and heard.Try This: “I can see that this is really hard for you. It’s okay to feel upset.”

• Listen Before You Speak: Sometimes, the best help is simply being a sounding board. Resist the urge to jump in with solutions right away.Try This: Ask open-ended questions like, “What’s on your mind?” or “How can I support you right now?”

• Save the Facts for Later: Once they’ve calmed down and feel supported, it might be appropriate to gently discuss facts or lessons learned.Try This: “Now that things are better, let’s talk about how we can avoid this happening again.”

• Adapt for Parenting: When helping children, the same principles apply. Focus on their feelings first, then gently guide them once they’re ready to listen.Try This: “I understand you’re frustrated because you couldn’t solve the puzzle. Let’s take a break and try again together.”

  
  

Final Thoughts

When someone you care about is struggling, the most meaningful thing you can do is show up. Be present, acknowledge their feelings, and offer support through actions, not just words.

Save the lessons, facts, and logic for a time when they’re no longer “drowning.” This approach builds trust, strengthens your connection, and shows them they can rely on you in times of need. Because in the end, helping someone isn’t about being right—it’s about being there.